Made me laugh

.

 

Brilliant lol

 

Errr, didn't they win the penalty shoot out?

 

Further to the above
Years ago whilst in the pub trade ( sorry ladies) I'd split the barrel from the flights, then stick them in opposite ears then wait for somebody to ask why
I'd reply the ladies Dart team are at home/ or / are in the tap room practicing
Mind you some of the blokes could be has bad

 

Police issue statement after a man falls to his death from a London nightclub upper floor.

''Unfortunately the said person died at the scene, contrary to the many rumours circulating, on who the individual was, we can categorically state
''He wasn't a bouncer

 

Had to give a sperm sample at the clinic last week.

Nurse said 'i need you to wa.nk in the cup'

I said 'I've had a fair bit of practice but not sure I'm good enough to enter a tournament yet'

 

Going into the supermarket this afternoon I was accosted by a group of adolescents who gave me £20 and pressured me into buying a pack of Richmonds for them. I did as they asked but they were really aggressive and unpleasant about it after I came out with the goods.
They can buy their own sausages next time.

 

My Mrs had to explain that one to me lol.

 

I once shouted out "have you got any muscles"? When he said "yeah".. I shouted back .. "Why aren't you carrying 2 baskets then"... Then ask him if he had crabs. We Used to take bets who came in first, Green un bloke,saly army, or crab man,

 

I failed a Health & Safety course at work yesterday. The crucial question was 'What steps would you take in the event of a fire?'. Apparently the answer wasn't......Bloody large ones!'

 

The favorite shout Have you got any crabs on yer C0ck
When he answered Yes
The cry back was always
Well get tuh doctors yer dirty barsteward and gerrem seen to lol

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this is !!!!, always keep your condoms in the car !!