Made me laugh

The third fastest woman ever, who won Olympic gold at back to back Olympics in 2008 and 2012 taking her sons sports day parents race very seriously

 

I was so confused last night, my printer started playing music...
Turned out the paper was jamming..

 

How did Bob Marley like his donuts?..
Wi jam in!

(The old ones are the best!)

 

At it was at that moment that Jesus looked from his cross at his apostles and with a strained breath he said... Don't you touch my Easter eggs I'll be back monday

 

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter", says the Archbishop of Cadbury!!.. #HappyEaster

 

I was in Wath Tesco & a bloke came up to me & asked,"Lost something mate?" I said,"Yes,my wife." He said,"Me too!" I asked,"What does she look like?" He replied,"Blonde,long legs,mini skirt,no knickers,no bra,big boobs & see-through top."Whats yours look like?" I said,"Who gives a damn, lets look for yours..

 

So Jesus is feeling the pinch in these present times, so he’s in the jobcentre trying to get a start.
"Ok, Mr Christ, what is your skill set?” Asks the assessor
"Carpenter”
"Well, we have two possibilities. They want a chippy in Barnsley 700 quid a week, or they’re looking for a shutterer in Jerusalem at 2 grand a week”
"Brilliant” sez the son of God "I’ll take the start in Tarn”
"Oh” said the assessor "I thought you’d jump at the extra money in Israel”
“Very tempting, but the last time I was in the Middle East, I got hammered with tax!”

 

A thoughtful Yorkshire husband was putting his hat and coat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put thi hat and coat on, Lass!!"
She replied, "Awe, Jack, that's nice - are you tekking me t'pub wi you ?"
"Nay, Lass," Jack replied. "I'm switching th' heating off while I'm out....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE GIRL!......
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, ...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher!!!!!!

 

For you young ones

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

 

Took me a little while to get that one...duh!

Anyway I always get annoyed by people who use the wrong word but don't have the humidity to admit it.

 

A Geordie sits down at a barbershop in Newcastle and asks the barber if he can have a perm.

The barber says "alreet" and clears his throat...

“… Ah wandered lueernly as a clood…”

 

A blind man went to a restaurant. menu sir? asked the owner. I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.!Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, bloody hell! I never knew Brenda worked here............

 

The older I get, the more I regret the people I have lost over the years.
Perhaps being a trail guide wasn't such a good idea

 

Whenever I left a door open my mum would ask if I was born in a barn.
I always thought it was odd, as you'd think she'd remember something like that

 

I bought to 2 pints of milk from Lidl yesterday,
It was a bit of an impulse buy, I only went in for a Car jack, wet suit and mig welder.

 

I have worked on election counts and such things really happen,

 

Ahem.