What did you think you was good at

Sprinting. 100M, 200M and 400M I was streets ahead of every other kid from very early on growing up. Then in Year 11 when I represented the school at Don Valley I came up against some lads quicker than me. Disappointing day.

 

Snooker me, there used to be pro ams and a tournament for youngsters 16yrs and younger, star of the future it wa called, held at pontins, i was 13 highest break id made was 67, i was pretty consistent at knocking 20 t 30 breaks in pretty regular. Yep i thought i was the bees, step up stephen Hendry he won the star of the future, unbelievable, consistently knocking centuries in at that age, who does that? Amazing to watch but a wa a wee bit jealous.he wa boring back then anorl,spoiling mi dreams,always been nice to say ive played in same tournaments as him though.

 

Table tennis for me I played junior level for a while thought I was **** hot went to Cuba on holiday with the family I was beaten by kids with no padding on their bat safe to say the bats I’d taken were donated to the kids in the hotel

 

Swimming for me particularly the Butterfly, got sent to Barnsley Olympic Swimming club by school and quickly realised I was only sent there because I was the only one at the school who could do Butterfly, I was half a length behind the others at the Club . I was a bit better when I got rid of the knitted wool trunks but not by much

 

Grammar.

 

Masturbating. As a 16 year old I thought I was immense at it. I remember getting an empty hair gel pot, rinsing it out and convincing myself I could fill it with spunk within a fortnight.
After 3 weeks, and barely a quarter of an inch of spunk in it, I binned it and accepted that I was nothing more than a regular w@nker.

 

Practice makes perfect

 

Anything and everything.
Threw a cricket ball the furthest at school in games, went to some inter school competition and came next to last out of about 30.
Squash: played at Hoyland Sports Centre and got quite high on the ladder, got thrashed a few years later when I played a colleague.
Caving, did a few caves and then got an invite from some proper cavers, totally embarrassed when I got stuck and had to be pulled free.
Because I had a Sinclair Spectrum my dad told his mate - who owned a firm - that I was good with computers. I was sat down with an early pc and asked to write a program to solve something. You can guess the rest.
10 Print "Hello"
20 Goto 10
Run
didn't quite cut it.
The list is endless.

 

Erm. erm. No. Sorry. Thought I was good at nowt, I was right. except maybe. I was good at knowing it.
Did try though.

 

Football, cricket, badminton, tennis, table tennis, darts, snooker, modesty

 

I studied some sport ‘thing’ at college, back in the day, and somehow became a qualified basketball ’coach’, basically by going to a junior school and teaching a bunch of 9 year olds how to bounce a ball.
Anyway, a mate of mine actually played basketball, not to a high standard, but for an actual team. Nothing special, they only played at Darfield Foulstone. Anyhow, one evening they were a man down so he asked me if I could play, and I gladly accepted. He told all his team mates that he had got a ‘qualified basketball coach’ to come and play. When I arrived, this bunch of hairy, sports glasses and headband wearing old men looked at me like David Beckham turning out for Athersley Rec. I was ‘the man’.
Then the match started, and by Christ, I realised how **** I truly am at basketball. I even faked an injury (no subs available) just to go and sit down and end the embarrassment. I even bust a team mates nose with an over enthusiastic pass straight in his face. Knocked his specs off too. Career over.

 

Golf, as a junior I thought I was a bit of a player, represented Barnsley and played one game for Yorkshire. At that point my dreams of going any further were well and truly punctured playing against proper golfers, big fish small pond.

Anyway, stopped playing golf at 18 and didn’t take it back up until well in to my 30’s. Had a few moments of glory, Scottish Ladies Open (pro am televised winner), Club champion but the last 10 years have been absolutely dire.

I write this half pissed at the Machrie having carded a 75 this morning. Now thinking of the seniors tour, hope springs eternal....

 

Should have gone for an hair wax pot instead and built your confidence up.

 

Ten pin bowling. I was ace in the juniors, won umpteen trophies, was holding my own in adult leagues in my early teens. Was invited to trial for England, I don’t think any of the selectors even bothered watching me, felt completely out of my depth. Another example of a big fish in a small pond.

I’d packed up by the time I was 18 and it’s my biggest regret 20 years later. Whilst that trial came a bit soon I was pretty good. I’ve played many other sports in my time generally performing somewhere between ‘mediocre’ and ‘rank bad’ so to be good at something and not follow it up seems a waste looking back.

But at that age of course, watching the reds, going on the lash with the mates and chatting up girls were more exciting propositions!!

 

Football for me too. I was pretty good at football, but also, even though I didn't know it at the time, quite mature for my age. I didn't feel the need to show off my skills up front even though I was much better with the ball than any of my contemporaries who loved showing off at any opportunity. I idolised Mick McCarthy and I wanted to play in defence. And it worked well for me. I was very big for my age, still am if you can be big for your age when you're 50, and so I was the heart of the defence in the under 11s from being 8 years old.

I went to senior school and got invited to Barnsley Boys trials and I saw it instantly, I wasn't good enough. I could work my bag out and get away with it sometimes, but the lads I was up against were better than me. And they weren't better than me while being arseh*les like my school mates, they were better than me while trying to play the game properly, playing it professionally.

A few years later I was at sixth form at the same time as Nicky Eaden. And played football on the opposite team to him a few times. I could run like the wind when I was 16. In a 100 metres sprint I would have taken 10 yards out of Nicky. On a football field I couldn't get anywhere near him. He was amazing.

 

Everytime i attempted butterfly, i was just happy to have survived.

 

So we’re the Club OK with you swimming in the nuddy then Durkar? Bit extreme to ditch the trunks, but marginal gains and all that….

 

Haha reminds me of when after I had my vasectomy you have to hand in sperm samples. 2 negative needed before an all clear.
They give you a plastic container. Quite big actually. Possibly too big for its contents.
Gets down to business and fires into the container. Christ no a lot there. I’m tugging and squeezing to get more out.
And you have to hand this boxed container into hospital reception. I’m sure I heard someone say heres that w@nker again.

 

Table tennis too, was pretty good at youth level at local level etc, my best mate was on par with me, years later went on holiday with him and his older brother, keep pestering him for a game, he kept refusing saying it wouldn’t be fair to me. Eventually talked him into it, wiped floor with me won about 8 points in 3 games.
The older brother as a youth was an England International and no.2 in country.