I went to see my doctor the other day and he said I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he said "because I'm trying to examine you"
here's one from SOTS this morning: As I get older the 3 most important people in my life are: Opticians Pharmacists and Bakers it's all about Specs, Drugs and Sausage Rolls.
Paddy & Murphy are in a pub when a women starts chocking. As she starts to go blue Paddy rushes over & goes behind her, whips up her skirt, pulls her knickers down & runs his tongue up & down between the cheeks of her arse! The horrified woman gasps & spits out the food. Murphy says "well done Paddy i've heard of the hind lick manouvre but thats the 1st time i've seen it done!!"
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."
I fell down the stairs last week and woke up in hospital. The doctor said I had been knocked unconscious and broken all of my fingers. It was hard to grasp.
I was in Town earlier, people wer out collecting for Parkinsons, they wer all shakin their tins, and then there was this woman collecting for reconstructual Virginal surgery, following the birth of her eigth child, there she was outside Alhambra waving her bucket.
R went to doctors t'day, teld him how afraid i was to get married, as i was worried abart mi small penis. Doc sez dunt worry, get thi sen a job on a dairy farm for a couple of months, an every morning put some milk o the little fella and ger a calf to suck the milk off, this will naturally stretch it. 2 months later i returned to the doctors, an the doc sez did you get married, r sed did i fuk i bought the calf. i'll get mi coit.