My first attempt at producing a working formula to correctly assign a numeric value to the entertainment derived from a game of football went spectacularly wrong. After forcing a machine learning algorithm to watch several thousand hours of Barnsley games the poor thing formatted itself when it saw Peter Sand try to play centre back. I also realised that there was no point in creating a neurotic rogue AI by forcing it to watch games as ideally it should be able to assess how entertained it was by games that it hadn't even seen. My second effort was to develop some kind of formula using statistical analysis. I tried the usual criteria, xG, PPG, npxG+xA, and so on, but found myself losing interest and looking at naked ladies on the internet.This proved to be the working breakthrough that I needed. Given the rise of Onlyfans, it is now possible to see an incredible selection of lady lumps for very reasonable prices. Instead of trying to quantify every throw in, yellow card, or (unlikely) goal, the way to measure entertainment is quite simple, and expressed via a brief question. "Would the money you have spent to watch this game have been better spent on tits?" By answering the question, it is possible to derive how entertaining the game was, and thus, individual satisfaction. The best aspect of this system is that it is entirely subjective, and so there is no argument to be had. I've not forgotten the acronym crowd, with the new stat of xGG you can directly express how big the tits would have to be to earn your cash instead of heading through the turnstiles. Prepare for a new way of watching football (or probably pornography).
As a slight aside... There's a guy on twitter/Instagram, who makes bots watch 1000 hours of film/TV series, and then tasks it with writing a script. Some of the results are incredible (Saw 9 with Becky Sexwoman trapped inside a whale without knowing she is, is a particular highlight). Imagine a bot watching 1000 hours of Barnsley games, with commentary, and then forcing it to write a page of commentary off the back of it. It'd probably make a good stab at what the result for Wednesday nights game will be.
When I'm drivin' in my car, and the man come on the radio He's tellin' me more and more about some useless Football Heaven Supposed to fire my imagination... When I'm watching my tv, And a man comes on and tells me, How white Leeds' shirts can be, But he can't be a man cos he does not support The same football team as me...
That can’t be right, that would mean I’m thoroughly entertained during every game but that’s definitely not the case! I think you need to tweak the formula.