A couple of weeks ago a neighbour, who is a 70 year old woman, says to me ‘can you lock the big gates at the front of the house when I go on holiday’. Me - yes of course I will. Yesterday she put the lock and key through the letterbox so later on that day I locked the gates. Now I’ve had a log burner for a few years and it’s great I’ve had no trouble whatsoever with it. During the summer the missus has bought an expensive lovely Indian hearth rug to sit in front of the fire. Last night. Me - It’s getting colder so I think I’ll light the fire for the first time toneet and Bake Off is on later (I know she likes Bake Off). Her - yes that would be nice. We sit watching Bake Off. Me - the fires dosen’t look that great, I’ll give it a broddle. Me - opens the wood burner door and a big burning log rolls straight out then over the hearth and settles in the middle of the new rug. Me - stands staring at it with my mouth open looking at the log as tho I’ve just given birth. Her - (shrieks) SH.IT BUG.GER AR.SEHOLES !!!! Me - picks the log up with tongs and throws it on the hearth - then I ran off. Leaving her dancing on the burning embers trying to stop the house going up in flames. This morning there was a knock on the door. I opened it and it’s the 70 year old woman neighbour. Me - didn’t you go on holiday? Her - (looking all disheveled) no I go today, someone’s locked me in!!! Me - it was me, I thought you’d gone on holiday yesterday. Her - no I’m going now. Me - how did you get out of the house? Her - I’ve pulled myself under the hedge in the front garden and climbed over the wall. Me - oh. Ten minutes later - another knock on the door. A young lad about 10 years old stood there. Me - what’s up? Him - are you an Australian? Me - no. Him - I thought you was. He then walks off.
