Clear and precise guidance COVID19. You're welcome!!

In case anyone is struggling with finding clear guidance. Just for the sake of clarification, here are those lockdown rules, one more time:
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.
5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out. 9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.
11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...it's a sort of lucky/unlucky dip.
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel. 15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.
19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.
23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.
24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who aren’t counted, won’t or will be counted but maybe not.
25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.
27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.

Hope that makes things clearer for you

 

I think the government would prefer us to wear a mask out in public, but because of the lack of PPE on the frontline they are scared of saying it, as then it would be even more scarce.

 

Don’t forget that it will probably definitely magically go away when it gets warm, except in the countries where it’s already summer, in those places it will go away when it goes cold. Maybe.

 

Re number 7.
If I'm forced to wear gloves how do I pick my nose?

 

7 a) The removal of gloves is permitted for the picking of ones nose. However, should you choose to flick your nasal residue towards a person, please ensure they are under 75 with no underlying health conditions.

 

Most likely for self gratification especially if driving the car

 

Can you still scratch your sweaty knackers n' put your fingers under your partners nose and say " smell my co ck"?

 

How many times a day am I allowed to remove my gloves to pick my nose?
And do I have to be more than 2 metres away from the next person when I do it?

 

“Smell my c0ck, Dave!”

 

They could be called Rodney.

 

Or Richard

 

It’s the government that should be wearing masks. And not only during the pandemic!

 

As long as you don't do this

 

Before we focus on the glove in the mouth, let’s consider the fact that this chap has a trolley full of booze and a T-shirt baring the ‘NASA’ logo.
Do we think he’s gone straight from work for some well earned refreshments?

 

North American Southern Arse**le perhaps?

 

Texting:
Hi Mom. I'm at the store. Still no loo rolls, but plenty of Corona on the shelves. Luv ya. Dwayne.

PS. I've repositioned the satellites again. Great view of Oakwell last night.

 

Who needs the Isle of Wight anyway? What have they ever done done for us?

 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/...le-signal-getting-weaker.html#reader-comments

Also the virus is getting weaker (fingers crossed).

 

Cowes and Cowes.